An un 'noun' fact

Today, literary climate experts published a report on the world's native
vowel population. The report says that the common vowel is coming under
pressure as their natural habitat is being steadily eroded.

“All over the world vowels are becoming harder and harder to find,” explained
Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, one of the reports authors. “With the spread
of modern communications the vowel is coming under increasing pressure.
The vowel is quite a sensitive creature and depends on a sophisticated set of
conditions for it to flourish, unfortunately these conditions are the victims
of our faster paced lifestyles and commerce.”

Experts believe that if current trends are continued the vowel may well be
extinct as early as 2020. Globalisation is said to be driving force pushing the
vowel towards oblivion.

“As western culture becomes ubiquitous we are finding an increase in global
warming towards English, Industrialised English has decimated the vowel
population at home and abroad,” said Professor Chapman.

The US has come under fire as being the largest single contributor to the
destruction of the vowel, with American spellings leading to widespread
devastation of previously successful colonies. In addition the vowel is now
believed to be on the brink of extinction in instant messaging and SMS text
message environments.

Scientists say that the future of the vowel may be in captive breading
programmes and the successful release of new groups back into the environment.
Precipitous coastal escarpments are seeing a veritable vertiginous increase in
proclivity towards the water vowel,for example.

“A lot of good work has been done in Wales,” explained Billingsworth. “In fact it
has been so successful that there are far more vowels than necessary in any given
sentence in Welsh.”